The randomness that is My World

Lost it, whatever it is.

me and my shadow (and one of my therapies and one of my saviours ) had a long and lovely walk this morning. We pass a horse trough on this particular route (I try to vary the walks for both our sakes) so a very welcome drink was taken there and back.

The good this walk did me was completely undone by late afternoon. Various children plus the lodger tested my patience until the final straw that made me lose it was me noticing that the leftover silica used for putting in plant pots to help hydration had been tipped in the top of two pots.

A little thing – it only costs pence, no one was injured, no plants or animals harmed, no real damage done- but it was THIS that had me in tears and despair that I am bringing up deceitful children (no one admitted to it) with no respect for other people’s property.

Depression is so unpredictable, I am intelligent and I try to understand my illness but it doesn’t mean I can cure myself. I will (hopefully) learn more about how to cope with it, and have more and more days when it doesn’t affect my days, but at the moment, it still surprises me with it’s seemingly random timings.

I am on a high dose of venlafaxine, with diazepam for more anxious times and zopiclone for my sleepless nights. All regularly reviewed by my GP.

I am currently seeing a psych nurse for CBT through Mind which is helping a lot.

I have had regular therapy through Mind which helped and I hope to have more sessions in the future if funding allows.

Medication is not for everyone with depression in a similar way that mothers choose breast or bottle. What works for one isn’t definitely going to work for another.

Therapy can be right for all. If you don’t feel right with your therapist then request another one, via email or text if you can’t do it face to face, but please persevere as


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Exhausted, not just Tired

I’ve been exhausted today, all day. Nap in the afternoon helped, could not have physically made it through the day otherwise.

My therapy dog walk this morning was lovely though, reminded me that I saw a hare one day last week. Rubbish photo, but this is the only creature the dog has ever shown an interest in chasing so I blame him for the photo!


No such thing as a “standard dose of anti-depressants”

Met two friends for coffee today. I made these friends whilst I was on the ‘work programme’. One was also on the work programme and the other was our support worker/job coach (or some similar title).

I was placed on the work programme around two years ago when claiming ESA for depression and anxiety. I dreaded it – new place to find; new place to park; new building to navigate; new people to meet etc etc etc.

I was allocated an advisor who had no previous professional experience of poor mental health……(none of the advisors in my area had experience in this area. None.)

I was lucky.

My advisor listened. She listened to me and to others on the programme. She came up with her own ideas of how to help us. She researched, she talked. I repeat, she listened.

Jumping forward two years….I’m no longer on the work programme, neither is the friend I made while attending the programme. My previous advisor has left the service provider.

We have however, made an unlikely trio (I can’t help but think “when shall we three meet again” each time we part) that supports each other. NOT what the government pictured when instigating the programme I’m sure. My friend has just had her judgement from the fit for work interview. Some of the comments are astounding. The worst is that she is “on the standard dose of anti-depressants”.

There is no standard dose.

There is no standard anti-depressant even.

My friend is appealing, with help from kind hearted retired people who listen and care. And with support from her two fellow witches.

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Lovely walk this morning with my dog walking dog (i.e. Not my dog – the dog I walk four days a week). He’s been my therapy and saviour this year. Depression and anxiety (sometimes) take away a sense of self worth and usefulness, the dog doesn’t care how I feel about myself, he greets me with glee in a morning and never fails to lift my spirits. Added bonus of walking in the amazing countryside near his house, listening to the birds, seeing the occasional creature scurrying away and making me remember how much I loved to walk in my PD (pre depression) days. I now walk around 20 miles a week which compares very favourably to the hardly ever got out of the house weeks.

My depression may always be a daily struggle, but I’m winning at the moment more often than not.

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Short day for me today. I’ve been up for 12 hours and now I’m in bed. I have depression and anxiety. Medically diagnosed and on tablets and currently having CBT. It’s been over 10 years since my original diagnosis (my mum sent me to the doctor- I was pregnant – and I burst into tears as soon as my doctor asked me how she could help today). It still has the capacity to take me by surprise. A fairly good day really, mood wise. I have been up and dressed and useful.

But exhausted. Complete utter exhaustion, not to be mistaken for tiredness , this is ‘must go to lie down and sleep’. Unfortunately, it may turn into fully awake at 11pm and an inability to regain sleep.

Fingers crossed it doesn’t – ‘night all.

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Essential Equipment

Following my jaunt up and down the motorways yesterday I was left with a car full of essential ‘stuff’ that my grown up daughter may (or may not) need at some as yet unspecified point in her future. Apparently I have plenty of room to store it (not true).

Other members of my household fell with glee upon the microwave that has journeyed home with me. This type of kitchen equipment has been missing from my life for around three years. I have been unbothered by the lack of one and have turned down numerous offers from my mother to buy one for me. It now rests on my kitchen work surface, not an unusual place for it, but it looks HUGE! We’ve managed perfectly well with saucepans and an oven (although the oven doesn’t work at the moment….).

The microwave is just very much THERE now and I don’t like it. As with all waifs/strays/almost relatives/no relative at all/random cats, it may as well stay now it’s home.

But we all know who will be cleaning the inside of this brute…..

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I have a very odd extended/’unofficially adopted’ family that give a lot of love to each other (mostly) and to me. They also take up a lot of time and energy. My offspring all know that I would drive the length of the country at any time of night or day if they asked.

Today I have driven up to help one of my grown up children in their move from flat to short-term room let. This involves me driving up with empty(ish) car, filling said car with bed, mattress, microwave, various paraphernalia and bringing it back to my already full-to-bursting 4 bed semi. My car is still full as I type as I have very little idea where I’m going to store everything.

Bizarrely it was a lovely day though – time spent one to one with any of my children is always time well spent, whatever the reason.

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Dancing Pigeons

Two pigeons on the top of a streetlight engaged in a dance. I don’t know if it’s the male or the female that dances, and to me, it isn’t important. The fact that they dance in courtship was lovely to see. I was in a traffic jam, running late (as is usual) between school and and after school club. The dancing pigeons made me smile.

Sometimes the simple things really do make a difference, even if only for a moment.

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I have a busy life. Some of it of my own making (five and a half children), some no fault of mine (one annoyingly irresponsible ex) and a lot of general life that comes along with having a full family.

Today my three youngest left for school, I walked someone else’s dog, I was then going to take someone into town for important things on their important ‘to do’ list (that I’ve made for him), followed by someone else’s ironing, actual work, more dog walking, feeding three youngest, applying for a ‘real’ job, bath, bed.

A friend rang….was I busy? Could we chat?

Of course I wasn’t busy. I made a coffee and made myself comfy on the sofa while I listened and tried to help. Sometimes (thankfully, as I wasn’t much help) listening is enough. It’s all we need.

Be there for your friends.

I am not claiming to be perfect, or to be the best friend, but sometimes I get it right. Sometimes an hour of your time can make the difference in someone else’s day.

My pictures will probably always be random, matching my thoughts.

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Life is hard. Some find it more of a challenge than others. Some find their challenges easy to overcome, others, find it not so easy, or impossible.

Some find ways round, over or just barge through issues that face them. Some build bridges, some build walls. I’ve done all these.

Some blogs are word perfect and grammatically correct. I’m not setting my standards that high.

This blog

may be random thoughts, observations, stories, facts and fictions. It may be happy, sad, downright miserable, optimistic, funny or complete ramblings of a madwoman. At this moment I can’t tell.

It will though, be.

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